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MegaDitz Unlocks Key to Happiness!

If you think you have trouble relating to your parents you may find this story comforting. Everyone's favorite slut, Paris Hilton, has decided that the time has come for her to bear a child. Apparently, the lucky (or doomed) man is her 22 year old boyfriend, shipping heir Paris Latsis. Oh, how cute- their names match! The 24 year old's reasoning is quite simple:

I want to have kids in the next two years because I know that completes your life. I've had so much fun, and had a great life. I've accomplished everything that I wanted to accomplish and I think that when I have kids that'll make me happier than I already am.

Odds on favorites for the child's name include Paris, London, Marriott, Lucifer, and Why.

posted by Jason | 9:19 AM
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Work Subjectivity

I don't like to interact with my 'manager'. Frankly, I could do my job and do it infinitely better without him ever relating to me in any sensory way ever again. But somehow, it's even more annoying to watch him try to flaunt his managerialness over my coworkers, especially the new young lass who now works with us. I know she's young from this conversation with Larry (the 'manager') from last week:

* New Girl walks into my windowless work hole*
Me (Puzzled) *whispering*: Who's the New Girl?
Larry: Oh do you remember Sarah from last summer?
(note: I didn't work there last summer)
Me *whispering*: No...
Larry *NOT whispering*: Oh, well that's her younger sister. Don't worry though, she's way too young for you. Or me.

Apparently, Larry doesn't understand the use of the pronoun 'me' either, because he was throwing out the Garreth-charm on her all afternoon today. His methods truly are worth studying.

• Method 1a: Walk into room for no reason. Stand there and try to look important. Stare at new girl until she turns around. Think of pointless statement to make, such as: "Make sure you keep your papers straight back here." Continue staring.
  
• Method 1b: Walk into room for no reason. Stand there and try to look important. Stare at new girl until she turns around. Wait for new girl to come up with a question, such as "What papers were you talking about? All mine are in my folder." Kick on the Charm and respond, maybe with "Actually I was talking about Steven's stuff earlier." Continue Staring.
  
• Method 2: Walk into room for no reason. Sidle up behind new girl's desk. Observe work from over her shoulder. Wait until she looks up. Lean over her to grab booklet that you have in your own room. Think of a witty comment, such as "Yeah, that looks good." Toss booklet back onto desk in the coolest way you can imagine. (Ignore any earlier comments you made (say, about orderly workspaces))
  

How can you ladies resist this stuff!? Answer: No one can thwart the awesomeness of Larry. -Period- Also quite awesome was hearing this snippet of a conversation between two other female coworkers as I was leaving:

Unattractive Female 1: So in the same night, I ended up having to tell my parents that I was pregnant and all the different drugs I had been using.
Unattractive Female 2: That is so cool.

All those of you now interested in working at my job will have to wait; We can only have so many brilliant people in one room at a time.

posted by Jason | 7:39 PM
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